Responding To A Code Pink
by Red Witch
Summary: Things get out of hand when Ray gets drunk.


**Ray did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is what happens when my tiny brain runs amok…**

**Responding To A Code Pink **

"Oh, please let it be a burglar…" Lana groaned as she went to answer the door at her apartment one night.

She looked through the peephole. "No such luck…" She sighed before opening the door, revealing several of her friends.

"Hey Lana!" Pam said. Standing with her were Cyril, Krieger and Ron. "What's shaking?"

"Your neck if you wake AJ up," Lana looked at her. "Ron what are **you **doing here?"

"I'm **living** with them now," Ron explained. "Remember when my crazy wife drove her car into my living room almost two weeks ago?"

"Oh right," Lana remembered. Her mind was still a little fuzzy from being woken up.

"Lana," Cyril frowned. "We have a situation."

"When **don't **we have a situation?" Lana groaned. "What happened **this time**? Where's Ray?"

"That's the situation," Pam said. "We don't know."

"What?" Lana asked as they came in. "What stupid thing did you people do **now?**"

"Okay here's what happened," Ron sighed. "We kind of noticed that Ray was a little down."

"So, we all decided to have a little party!" Pam said. "To cheer him up."

"She wanted an excuse to eat cake," Cyril pointed at Pam.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Pam said. "Any-who, we were all drinking and eating cake and dancing around. And before we knew it for some reason Ray and Cheryl got into a cake eating contest…"

"Where is Cheryl?" Lana looked around.

"Don't worry," Pam waved. "Cheryl is passed out cold and safely secured in her sex harness. She'll be fine."

"With anyone else I'd be worried about by that sentence," Lana admitted. "But since it's Cheryl…Continue."

"Long story short," Cyril began.

"Ray got drunk," Ron finished. "Ate half of a cake and then proclaimed to all that he wanted to live before he died again! And then he took off like the Road Runner! And we can't find him!"

"You mean…?" Lana realized.

"We have a drunken hyperactive cyborg on the loose," Krieger said.

"Oh my God!" Lana groaned. "Great! Just great!"

"Yeah so if you see Ray…" Pam said. "Give us a call huh?"

"And don't give him any more sugar," Krieger said. "Or booze."

"Okay **this** is what's going to happen," Lana sighed. "Ron you stay here to watch AJ and I will help with the search party."

"Good," Pam took out a can of malt liquor. "You can drive. Because I'm starting to get a little buzzed from this forty, shorty!"

"We all kind of had a bit too much to drink," Ron admitted.

"I figured that," Lana said dryly.

Soon Lana was driving Krieger's Rush Van. "Okay so why exactly was Ray depressed again?" She asked.

"Honestly we didn't ask," Pam admitted. "It's not like the guy doesn't have plenty of reasons to be."

"Uh huh…" Lana sighed. "Krieger did you give Ray any experimental drugs?"

"No!" Krieger said. "Well no more than usual…"

"KRIEGER!" Lana snapped.

"Alcohol is a drug!" Krieger protested. "And so is caffeine! Ray may have drunk a few Red Bulls too…"

"We've decided to call this a Code Pink," Pam said.

"A little on the nose don't you think?" Lana asked.

"He was wearing a pink kimono when he ran off," Cyril protested. "And pink slippers!"

"And not much else," Krieger said. "Besides pink is one of the few colors left that **isn't **already assigned to a situation."

"Yeah we already have Code Purple," Pam listed. "Code Blue, Serene Green, A White Out, Cucumber Situation, and Mellow Yellows all apply to different stages when Ms. Archer gets stoned and/or soused."

"Code Red is when Ms. Archer is on the warpath," Cyril added. "Code Black is when Archer is on the warpath."

"We named that after his hair color," Pam explained. "And his love for black turtlenecks."

"I thought a Code Red was when Cheryl was setting fires?" Lana asked.

"That's a Code F," Pam said. "Or a Fire Storm. Or if Cheryl is just acting nuts it's a Tunt situation. AKA Tunting Out."

"Okay," Lana said. "You do see my logic, don't you?"

"Yes," Pam nodded. "My situation is a Code Orange. Because I wear a lot of orange. And eat a lot of them. As well as having a tendency to throw them. But that hasn't happened since I gave up cocaine."

"You did come close a few times since then," Krieger told her.

"Code Green is when one of Krieger's monstrosities escapes," Cyril added. "Not to be confused with a Serene Green or a Cucumber Situation."

"Technically it's not always when they escape per say," Krieger said. "Code Green applies to any situation in my lab that gets out of control."

"Basically, we have a Code Green every week," Cyril groaned.

"What's my code for when I'm mad?" Lana asked.

"A Sweater Skirt Storm," Pam said.

"Okay that fits," Lana admitted.

"A Brown Situation or Brown Out…" Pam paused. "Is pretty much what it sounds like."

"Especially after the time my brown note machine went off accidentally," Krieger admitted.

"Ewww…" Lana and Cyril said at the same time.

Cyril went on. "A Code Plaid is when we're all drunk or incapacitated in some way due to drugs and/or alcohol. Pink is the only one left!"

"Technically there is puce," Krieger spoke up. "But I don't think Ray would appreciate that one. It's not a flattering color."

"Fine. Code Pink it is!" Lana groaned.

"I know," Pam said as she took a drink. "I'm going to have to update that status chart. Eh…It needed updating anyway."

"So…" Lana sighed. "Now that we've gotten the all-important naming of this particular disaster out of the way. Any ideas on where to find Ray?"

"Uh that's why we got **you?**" Pam asked.

"What about a tracking device?" Lana realized. "Krieger, don't you have some kind of device that tracks Ray's bionics?"

"I did but it got broken," Krieger said. "Piggly's fault."

"Well can you make another one?" Lana asked.

Krieger paused. "Yes. But I need to get back to my lab to do so."

"Fine that seems our best bet," Lana sighed. She then did a double take. "What the…?"

There was pink graffiti all over the street. Tags saying _It's okay to be gay_ and _Cyborgs are not sissies_ were all over the place. Also, the words _PINK AVENGER POWER!_ And _Rise Up!_ _THE GAY CYBORG REVOLUTION IS HERE! _

"Or…" Cyril blinked. "We could just follow the trail of pro-gay cyborg graffiti down the block."

"That could work," Krieger mused.

"Maybe we should rename these situations Hurricane Rays?" Pam suggested.

"He is using a lot of pink paint," Krieger said. "I think Code Pink still applies."

"I can't believe my life…" Lana sighed as she followed the trail. "I just can't believe my life."

"Preaching to the choir," Cyril groaned as he took out a bottle of scotch. "Good thing you're driving Lana. I really needed to get drunk."

"Me too," Krieger took out a bottle of his own from his lab coat.

"Hooray for Lana!" Pam cheered toasting her with her own drink. "Thanks to her we can get wasted!"

"Well further wasted…" Krieger hiccupped.

"YEAH!" The three of them cheered and took a drink.

"I can't wait to tell Archer about this one!" Pam snickered.

"Trust me…" Lana growled. "He will **hear **about this."

"Look over **there!"** Pam gasped.

"Is it Ray?" Lana asked.

"No!" Pam gasped. "Shirt Shack is going out of business!"

"Oh, I **love **Shirt Shack!" Cyril gasped. "Where else can you get quality cashmere sweater vests for only twenty-five dollars?"

"And they have some surprisingly affordable lab coats," Krieger nodded. "We have to go there!"

"We so have to go there!" Cyril agreed.

"Definitely," Pam said. "What? Their men's shirts make good sleepwear!"

"We gotta go there," Krieger said.

"We so have to go there," Cyril agreed.

"How about going to this new place called **reality**?" Lana snapped.

"Eh, it's overrated," Krieger waved before taking a drink.

"Why the hell do I have to be the **sane one** around here?" Lana grumbled.

"Because Ray is taking the night off," Pam burped. "Hey! Look at that!"

Lana warned. "If it's another store going out of business, I don't want to **hear **it!"

"No! It's **that!**" Pam pointed. A large building was covered in pink and glitter.

"Why would Ray glitter bomb a building?" Cyril blinked. "And where did he get all the glitter?"

"God Damn it Ray!" Krieger swore. "You knew I was saving that for a special occasion!"

"Wait, what?" Lana did a double take as she parked the van for a better look. "On second thought, don't tell me."

"I **know **this building," Cyril realized. "It's the LA headquarters of Fitzgerald Largo Incorporated…"

"That hedge fund slash investing company that made all those fake customer accounts?" Lana asked. "While stealing money from the investors they had?"

"Yup," Cyril nodded.

"How is **that **still in business?" Pam asked.

"You'd be surprised…" Cyril sighed.

"So when Ray gets hyper and drunk, he's channeling his inner activist," Lana remarked. "Good to know."

"There's more paint down that way," Pam pointed.

"Better follow it," Lana sighed. "Before Ray glitter bombs another building…"

"Seriously," Krieger grumbled. "The guy **knew** I was saving it. I'm just saying! Boundaries man!"

"I wish you people would have more boundaries with alcohol and drugs," Lana grumbled as she drove off.

"I wish you had less of them," Cyril grumbled. "Maybe then you wouldn't be such an uptight bitch?"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" Lana stopped the van and glared at Cyril.

"How should **I know**?" Cyril shot back. "I'm drunk!"

"Yeah, Lana!" Pam added.

Lana drove off again. "I'm going to wait until you are sober, Cyril. Then we are going to have a long talk…"

"Ooooh!" Krieger and Pam taunted.

"_Somebody's in trouble!"_ Pam sang.

"When **doesn't **Lana want to talk?" Cyril grumbled. "The trick is getting you to **shut up!"**

"YOU SHUT UP!" Lana snapped.

"Make me!" Cyril shouted back. "What was I saying again?"

"Ughhhh…" Lana groaned in frustration. "I am getting so sick of being the only one around here acting like a responsible adult among a group of hyperactive drunk toddlers! AJ has more maturity than you people and she's only 3!"

"Probably the only person who can't interrupt you while you're talking," Krieger mused.

"She does try but you know?" Lana admitted. "Limited language skills. I mean she's good for her age but…Never mind! Let's just find Ray before he gets in trouble!"

"Is that technically phrasing?" Pam asked. "I can't tell… Man am I plastered."

"I can't see any more paint," Lana realized. "Great. Now where did he go?"

"The beach is down that way," Cyril pointed. "Maybe he went to the beach? Ray likes the beach."

"It's after midnight," Lana said. "The beach is closed."

"That never stopped us before," Cyril said. "Plus, they have that new twenty-four-hour churro stand!"

"Ooh! Churros!" Pam whooped. "I want a churro!"

"Me too!" Krieger said.

"Nooope!" Lana said.

"Well do you have a **better idea**?" Cyril challenged.

Lana sighed. "I am **not **paying for churros!" She drove to the direction of the beach.

Soon they parked at the beach. "Hey look! There's the churros!" Pam pointed.

"And there's Ray," Krieger did a double take.

Ray was dancing on the beach, barefooted and wearing only a pink kimono and a pink glove over his bionic hand. He was singing into a churro. _"I have to go, ou-ooot tonight! You wanna prowl, be my night owl? Well take my hand we're gonna hooowwwwwl! Ouuuuut tonight!" _

"Son of a…" Lana saw him.

"He's got a churro!" Pam pointed.

"Ha ha…" Cyril snickered. "I was right!" He made a raspberry at Lana.

"Just stay in the van!" Lana grumbled as she went to get Ray. "I will get Ray!"

"You can give him a hand," Pam said as she took a drink.

"He already has one," Krieger told her.

"Oh yeah," Pam said. "So, he does…"

"Ray! Ray!" Lana walked up to her friend.

"LANA!" Ray called out cheerfully. "Lana! LANAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"What?" Lana asked, exacerbated.

"Hi!" Ray giggled.

"Okay Ray you have had enough," Lana sighed. "Time to go home."

"Nooo! No!" Ray protested. "Lana it's such a lovely night! Let's dance in the moonlight! Come on! Let's dance!"

"We can dance at home…" Lana said. "Come on Ray…" She reached out to him.

Ray pulled back. "Don't get grabby with me, Missy! I'm not that kind of boy!"

"Yes, you are!" Lana said.

"Is it that obvious?" Ray hiccupped.

"What are you doing Ray?" Lana sighed.

"Well I had to go for a run because I ate all that cake," Ray said drunkenly. "Oh God I'm such a fatty…I weighed myself this morning and I'm getting faaaaaaaaaaaat."

"Ray," Lana sighed. "You do realize you have metal bones in your body, right?"

"Huh?" Ray blinked.

"Your metal bones weigh more than your real ones," Lana said. "Since your bones are metal from the waist down and your hand is metal…"

Ray blinked. He looked at his gloved bionic hand. "Oh right…I forgot."

"Come on Ray," Lana sighed. "Let's go home. You can sleep it off…"

"No! No!" Ray backed off. "I wanna dance! Dance with me Lana! Pleeeeeaase!"

"Ray!" Lana protested.

"Just one little dance in the moonlight," Ray batted his eyes. "I just wanna dance with somebody…"

"Ugh don't give me those big brown puppy eyes," Lana groaned.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaase?" Ray batted them again. "Please?"

"Fine…" Lana conceded. "**One dance**. That's all! Then we both go home. Okay?"

"Okay!" Ray took Lana in her arms and they started to dance. "Isn't it wonderful? Just dancing in the moonlight? _Dancing in the moonlight! Everybody's feeling warm and bright…" _

"_It's such a fine and natural sight!"_ The others had escaped the van and were dancing along on the beach with them. "_Everybody's dancing in the moonlight!" _

"_We get it almost every night!" _Pam sang. "Phrasing!"

"_Something, something, something…"_ Krieger sang as he danced around. "All right!"

"_Something, something delight…"_ Cyril laughed as he danced.

"_Dancing in the moonlight!"_ The others sang wildly as they danced.

"Still not even the weirdest thing I've done with this group," Lana sighed as she danced. "Not even the weirdest thing this week…"

"_La! La! La! La!"_ Ray twirled around, his kimono twirling around him. "I feel so freeee!"

That was when the kimono fell off. "Oh for God's sake Ray!" Lana stopped dancing.

"I'm free! I'm free!" Ray ran off, streaking at super speed down the beach.

"**Now** it's gotten weird…" Lana sighed. She did a double take. "What the hell are you idiots _doing?" _

"Being free!" Krieger said as the others took off their clothes. "This is the land of the free right?"

"Last I checked," Cyril hiccupped. "But I didn't read the paper today so…Eh who cares! I'M LIVING LIFE BABY!" He ran off naked with Krieger.

"Boogedy! Boogedy!" Pam whooped as she streaked off.

"That's it," Lana turned around and walked away. "I'm **out!"**

The sounds of sirens were heard nearby. "Way out!" Lana ran to the van and got in.

"Hello officers…" Cyril was heard hiccupping drunkenly.

Lana didn't wait around but sped off into the night. The police didn't even notice her leave. They had bigger problems.

"Who wants a swim?" Pam laughed. "CANNONBALL!"

"Who wants new friends?" Lana said to herself as she drove away. "ME!"

The following day back at the Figgis Agency…

"Well I hope you idiots are happy," Lana glared at Cyril, Ray and Krieger in the bullpen.

"In general…?" Ray blinked, he was fully dressed and looked bleary eyed. "I'd be happier if I didn't have this ringing in my brain."

"That's called a hangover," Ron was there too drinking some coffee. "Didn't know cyborgs could get them too."

"Unfortunately," Ray winced. "What did I **do** last night?"

"Besides making an ass of yourself?" Lana asked. "You painted graffiti over a quarter of the city. Trashed a building. Stole a churro. Went streaking…"

"Besides **that!"** Ray interrupted. "I did something else. I don't remember what."

"I remember," Cyril glared at Ray. "I remember you got us arrested for public nudity!"

"After you idiots got drunk," Lana glared at Cyril.

"I said something didn't I?" Cyril groaned.

"Oh yeah…" Lana glared at him. "You and me are going to have a talk."

"Isn't the fact I got arrested _enough?_" Cyril asked.

"Noooope," Lana shook her head. "Oh, and there's this!"

Lana turned on the television in the room. Reporter Darlene Love was on TV. As well as a picture of the now pink and glitter covered building.

"Authorities are baffled by the vandalism at the Fitzgerald Largo Incorporated Building," Darlene reported. "As all the security cameras were either destroyed or painted over…"

"You also stole my glitter…" Krieger added.

"It wasn't **that,**" Ray blinked. "I did something else…"

"What really surprised authorities was the mysterious delivery of dozens of secret documents from Fitzgerald Largo," Darlene reported. "These papers detailed not only several illegal fraud and insider trading schemes, but proof of several high-ranking board members embezzlement and cheating on their taxes."

"I **knew **I did something else last night," Ray blinked.

"Using this information," Darlene kept reporting. "Authorities have already arrested the CEO of Fitzgerald Largo and the entire company is being investigated by the IRS."

"So, that's another hedge fund company we're responsible for destroying?" Cyril groaned as Lana shut off the TV.

"Ehh," Lana waved. "Ray I'll give you a pass on that one."

"Why does **Ray **get a pass on what happened last night?" Cyril snapped.

"Because Ray didn't call me an uptight bitch!" Lana glared at Cyril.

"I said **that?**" Cyril blinked. "Oh no…"

"Oh yeah," Lana glared at Cyril.

"Oh man Cyril…" Ray laughed. "You are so busted!"

"Shut up!" Cyril snapped.

"I tell you Lana it's been very interesting living with these people," Ron remarked. "I've seen more nudity and crazy than the time I lived across the street from a strip club."

"That reminds me," Krieger blinked. "Did we leave Cheryl in the sex harness?"

"Eh," Cyril waved. "It doesn't matter."

"She'll be fine," Ray waved. "All's well that ends well I always say. And I always like a well ended…"

"Easy for **you** to say!" Cyril snapped. "Not that I care about Cheryl. But Pam, Krieger and I got arrested for streaking!"

"And that's my problem **how**?" Ray asked.

"You idiots are lucky you only got off with a fine," Lana said. "Except for Pam. Apparently that was her fourth strike."

"I thought it was three strikes?" Ron asked.

"It is," Krieger said. "But the third time Pam talked the arresting officers into streaking too so…"

"So, who's picking Pam up from the hoosegow?" Ron asked.

"She didn't go to jail," Cyril explained. "The judge gave her an option to go to rehab for the week and she took it."

"She **did?**" Ron asked.

"It's the same chain that Pam went to when she kicked her cocaine habit," Krieger explained. "It's a nice place. It has a spa and everything. It's basically a four-star hotel without a mini-bar and housekeeping is very annoying."

"Pam loved it last time," Lana nodded. "Of course, we all know rehab won't take but it will give her liver a nice break."

"Basically, Pam is getting a vacation for free," Ray remarked.

"Free my ass!" Cyril snapped. "I still have to pay her damn fine as well as ours! Several thousand dollars' worth! Thanks a lot Ray!"

"To be fair," Lana pointed out. "Ray didn't tell you three to take off your clothes too."

"Idiot sees," Ron added. "Idiot do..."

"You are so going on a low sugar diet," Cyril glared at Ray. "And we're cutting out the caffeine too!"

"Yeah about that," Ray whistled. "SMOKE BOMB!"

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Now **that's** how you do a smoke bomb exit," Krieger blinked as papers flew all around in Ray's superspeed wake.

"That's another reason I need to call my contractor to see if my house is finished yet," Ron groaned.


End file.
